Future Perfect

What your new lover really means when he says "Let's take a cruise!"

Herewith a brief advisory sidebar from my memoir-under-construction about life, death, and online dating.

I’ve been to Italy, Greece, Belize, and all around the Caribbean. On a single Saturday, I went to Montreal with one man and Quebec City with another. Then there was my sporty trip to Ireland, where we golfed every morning and rode to the hounds in the afternoon.

I’ve also visited Cape Cod and Florida vacation homes belonging to men, their siblings, and even their former in-laws. The best, though, was the place in Sarasota a guy bought me.

Promises, promises—none of these notions actually got real.

Were these guys lying? No, they meant every word they said, but those words expired soon after they left the mouth.

Foxhunting in the morning and golf in the afternoon, or vice versa—who could ask for more?

It’s easy to slam the opposite sex for this sort of short-term memory. What’s actually going on, though, may be one of the larger communication gaps between American men and women in the dating zone.

Men mean what they say in the moment. Women hear what they say for all time.

Oh, promise me

You may spend Christmas, Rosh Hashanah, or Valentine’s Day with several different men in the same year if you’re a prolific dater. You’ll have pizza, picnics, and barbecues with dates’ adult children because of course they want to meet you.

The most devastating, infuriating, or annoying pledge, depending on the thickness of your carapace, is the sexual promise. My sauna at one man’s lovely lakeside home led to unexpected vigorous and vocal intimacy, after which I panted That was terrific! My companion puffed in reply, And it only gets better from here!

As it turned out, that was the last time I saw him.

Yet he wasn’t pulling my leg; at least, not figuratively. He meant everything he said to me that day, including the implication of a future together. He was testing the idea that I was The One, or at least The Next One, during my 24 hours at his house.

My host was trying me on just as I might try on a jacket: no mere parade in front of a store mirror, but a try-before-you-buy online order. Wear it around for a day, see how it fits and feels, maybe run it past a couple of friends to see what they think of it.

Within days, this guy was on to the next tryout, and he meant every word he said to her, too. He had an acute case of Don Juanism, so his multiplicity of tryouts was accompanied by an ability to focus so intently on each woman that she knew she was The One.

And she was, and so was the other one, and the one after that, because he truly thought so at the time. Love the one you’re with is an operating principle for many of us; Don Juans take it to extremes.

Careful construction

Most female daters are acutely aware of the implications of conversations about joint plans, so we craft our statements carefully. We modify our visions with conditionals—hey, we could maybe… it might be nice to… have you ever thought about… I could probably get tickets to… would you be interested in?

This sort of caution once got me accused of indecisiveness. My defense: “You’re wrong, I know my own mind. But you’re right, I’m not making a commitment yet. Because when I commit, I always follow through.”

Male statements about the future, on the other hand, can sound entirely resolute when they’re just a finger in the wind. If it sounds as good to you in the moment as it does to him, go ahead and say so—just take care how you say it. Appropriate enthusiasm lies in the realm of “Great idea, I always wanted to cruise the fjords”; don’t start checking the rates on the Viking website.

Truth and consequences

You shouldn’t believe everything you hear, but don’t assume it’s all lies, either. I actually did dine with several men’s children, and I actually did go on one cruise. Then there’s the guy who said “Welcome to your country home” when I visited him, then made it quite literally so when we married.

Indeed, you must express some degree of zeal or you’ll end up with a case of Jane Bennet Syndrome. The sister of heroine Elizabeth in Pride and Prejudice loses her beau for half the book because she doesn’t show enough fervor in response to his courtship.

Mr. Darcy tells angry Lizzy he successfully convinced Mr. Bingley to drop Jane because ”…the serenity of your sister’s countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched.”

Accordingly, my plea to all genders: Use your words. But choose your words, in case someone actually holds you to them.